Are You a Doormat?
When it comes to women's issues of self esteem, toxic relationships and other challenges that women deal with I am not afraid to share my opinions and experiences. I think these topics are universal for women everywhere and I am very transparent about my own struggles.
This past week I have been thinking about how women are taught from childhood to be "nice" and how that plays out in our adult relationships and career. When does that go too far? Recent studies have shown that women who apologize for everything at home and in the workplace are often perceived as weak and insecure.
I have come to realize that as an adult being "nice" can deprive you of your own happiness and cause others to take advantage of this perceived weakness. Those women who are taught to not "rock the boat" are usually the ones that we would call a doormat in our society today.
I was raised to be nice to everyone and not stand up for myself. All through my grade and junior high school years I was the butt of jokes and I would just take it because I thought there was nothing I could do. Over the years I have been a doormat, as most women have at one time or another in their lives. In recent years I have realized that you allow yourself to be walked on and people will continue to abuse you if you let them. So I cut ties with friends or family who were passive aggressive, made negative comments, screamers or were toxic/abusive to me in different ways.
Guess what? I actually started to feel better when I stopped communicating with those people.
Recently I had someone try to come back into my life after I stopped communicating with them over a year ago. My response was, "I love you, but I don't want to be close friends." Their response? Completely negative..they basically told me to go to hell. The negative people who want to me my friend get even angrier when I tell them no, I don't want to be close friends. Why is that? Is it because in the past I always said yes to them? Probably. But its not worth it. I know now that when someone from my past reaches out to me via text, email or a phone call and if I get a sick feeling in my stomach, its my gut trying to telling me its not the right fit. That doesn't mean what we had in the past wasn't great, it just means things have changed between us and its time to cut the cord.
Its really important to set boundaries with people and if they don't respect you for it, then that is not your problem, it just reaffirms your decision. It is important to own your mistakes but you don't have to apologize for choosing your friends wisely. If I want a doormat I can go buy one at ACE hardware here in La Jolla a few blocks from my house. I no longer feel obligated to apologize for moving forward and not looking back. Sometimes the past is there because it is meant to be just that...in the past.
You don't have to be a doormat.
No apologies required.
P.S. This is a post I saw from a blog I follow and I found it to be so true! :
Sometimes getting the results you crave means stripping yourself of people that don’t serve your best interests. This allows you to make space for those who support you in being the absolute best version of yourself. It happens gradually as you grow. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.
P.S.S. This is not a blog about forgiveness. I can forgive but not forget. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to let them back into your life to continue to berate you. Some people in my circle associate moving on with un-forgiveness. This is not the case. Forgiveness is a heart thing, moving on in life is a smart thing. There is a difference. Its just like someone who divorced a cheating wife or husband. You may forgive them after the divorce but that does not mean that you have to get remarried to them to prove your forgiveness. Moving on is sometimes the only option.
This past week I have been thinking about how women are taught from childhood to be "nice" and how that plays out in our adult relationships and career. When does that go too far? Recent studies have shown that women who apologize for everything at home and in the workplace are often perceived as weak and insecure.
I have come to realize that as an adult being "nice" can deprive you of your own happiness and cause others to take advantage of this perceived weakness. Those women who are taught to not "rock the boat" are usually the ones that we would call a doormat in our society today.
I was raised to be nice to everyone and not stand up for myself. All through my grade and junior high school years I was the butt of jokes and I would just take it because I thought there was nothing I could do. Over the years I have been a doormat, as most women have at one time or another in their lives. In recent years I have realized that you allow yourself to be walked on and people will continue to abuse you if you let them. So I cut ties with friends or family who were passive aggressive, made negative comments, screamers or were toxic/abusive to me in different ways.
Guess what? I actually started to feel better when I stopped communicating with those people.
Recently I had someone try to come back into my life after I stopped communicating with them over a year ago. My response was, "I love you, but I don't want to be close friends." Their response? Completely negative..they basically told me to go to hell. The negative people who want to me my friend get even angrier when I tell them no, I don't want to be close friends. Why is that? Is it because in the past I always said yes to them? Probably. But its not worth it. I know now that when someone from my past reaches out to me via text, email or a phone call and if I get a sick feeling in my stomach, its my gut trying to telling me its not the right fit. That doesn't mean what we had in the past wasn't great, it just means things have changed between us and its time to cut the cord.
Its really important to set boundaries with people and if they don't respect you for it, then that is not your problem, it just reaffirms your decision. It is important to own your mistakes but you don't have to apologize for choosing your friends wisely. If I want a doormat I can go buy one at ACE hardware here in La Jolla a few blocks from my house. I no longer feel obligated to apologize for moving forward and not looking back. Sometimes the past is there because it is meant to be just that...in the past.
You don't have to be a doormat.
No apologies required.
Sometimes getting the results you crave means stripping yourself of people that don’t serve your best interests. This allows you to make space for those who support you in being the absolute best version of yourself. It happens gradually as you grow. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.
P.S.S. This is not a blog about forgiveness. I can forgive but not forget. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to let them back into your life to continue to berate you. Some people in my circle associate moving on with un-forgiveness. This is not the case. Forgiveness is a heart thing, moving on in life is a smart thing. There is a difference. Its just like someone who divorced a cheating wife or husband. You may forgive them after the divorce but that does not mean that you have to get remarried to them to prove your forgiveness. Moving on is sometimes the only option.
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